Can You Feel The Randomness?

* - for those of you who care about the NFL, the Atlanta Falcons, and / or the NFL Draft, here’s my review of the Falcons’ draft this past April 26th & 27th.

* - oh, btw, did I mention I’ve started a new blog devoted entirely to the Draft?

Yes, I know - I have no life.

* - as long as we’re talking about my lack of a life, I’m very psyched that Whitesnake has released a new album! It came out back on April 22nd, and it ROCKS!!! This is the band’s first studio album in eleven years, and it was well worth the wait.

* - another artist soon to be releasing a new album is guitarist Gary Hoey. He was recently on my favorite radio morning show and played a track that will be on the album called “Only Human.” Trust me folks, this song is going to be a big hit.

* - in case you missed it, it is now official that there will be a “Hobbit” movie! Peter Jackson will not direct, but will be the executive producer. Guillermo del Toro of “Hellboy” and “Pan’s Labyrinth” fame will be the director, and Ian McKellen and Andy Serkis have confirmed that they will return to be Gandalf and Gollum, respectively. There will be two new films set in Middle Earth, actually, with one being “The Hobbit” and the other apparently covering the events that occur during the sixty years between The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings.

I CAN’T WAIT!!!

* - Cookiemaker, Little Man, and I saw “Horton Hears A Who” last Friday night. Good movie. Little Man enjoyed it and behaved himself very, very well. While there were many chuckle-worthy moments during the film, the only burst-out-laughing moment for Cookiemaker and I was of course a moment that Little Man didn’t get.

Move on to the next bullet if you don’t want to read any spoilers…

At the end of the movie, when Horton has succeeded in saving Whoville and everybody is about to live happily ever after, Horton - voiced by Jim Carrey - and the Mayor of Whoville - voiced by Steve Carrell - break out into an over-the-top duet version of REO Speedwagon’s “I Can’t Fight This Feeling.”

Frickin’ hilarious!

* - I know I’ve mentioned in at least one past post that you know you’re old when music you once thought rocked is now mall muzak fodder. Well, the other night I heard the mall I work in play “Stairway To Heaven,” “Walk This Way,” and “Bohemian Rhapsody.” They also played “Silent Lucidity” from Queensryche and “Photograph” from Def Leppard. Effing kill me! “Pyromania,” the album “Photograph” is from, was the first hard rock / heavy metal album I ever bought, and now it’s mall muzak?!

* - I had another confirmation of my advancing age when I tried to get something to drink from the mall’s Gloria Jeans. All I wanted was a coffee, preferably large. No such thing any more. Not only is there no such thing anymore, but it’s nigh on impossible to afford what they do have. I had four bucks. I could only afford a small mocharetto “esspression” - whatever the hell that was. I literally had to ask the kids behind the counter what the hell I had just ordered. I felt like Dennis Leary, for chrissakes! What the hell happened to just plain coffee? When I jokingly asked them if they knew what just plain coffee was, they said no.

I think they were just kidding…

* - Let’s go back to me having no life again, shall we? For some reason - I have no idea why - I find cephalapods fascinating, especially big squid. Six days ago CNN had an article on its website about the colossal squid. Did you realize this thing has eyes the size of soccer balls? And that scientists believe the ones they’ve found aren’t even indicative of just how big they may grow? Holy crap!

* - maybe I should start paying attention to the sport of cricket…

* - finally, a word on the moving front. We haven’t had much luck finding anyone to take over for us (though Mrs. Chili just sent me an email saying she has a friend who may be interested), but we’re going to move out anyway. If we have to, we’ll just use the apartment as a $940/month storage unit until October ends. We’ll gradually be moving stuff to Cookimaker’s parents’ in the meantime, with the goal of being more-or-less completely moved out of our current residence by June 23rd. We’re already saving some money on a monthly basis because our tax return allowed us to pay off my Sunfire, so now we don’t have any car payments. Childcare in the in-laws’ state averages about $200/month less than what we’re paying now, so that will save us some more money. It also just dawned on me the other day that our utility bills will at least dramatically decline, if not disappear altogether (I’m still not clear on all of the details of this upcoming living arrangement). Sometime in July I should be transferring to a store in a mall closer to the in-laws’, so gas and toll expenses should also decline / disappear. Then, come the end of October (if not sooner), we’ll stop paying rent.

The only uncertainty comes from if I get a teaching job in my current state of residence sometime in the near future, then the gas and toll expenses come back. However, given that if I get teaching job in my current state of residence I could see my personal income increase by half again as much as I’m currently making, or possibly even double, I’d call that a good problem to have.

A New Blog of Mine

Hi, all. For those of you who are NFL Draft fans or know people who are, I have started a new blog - The Zone Blitz Draft Report. You can check it out here.

Enjoy!

Release The Draftnik!

I know, I know - not exactly as stirring as “Release the hounds!” but it was the best I could do. Cut me a break, ok?

The NFL Draft is merely four days away, and I can’t wait. As the last two years, I’ll be at my friend Fourth Unit’s house to watch it on Saturday. He’s cooking up a batch of fish fry, deep-fried scallops, hot wings, cold cuts, and homemade macaroni salad. Given the abundance of seafood and poultry, I thought a couple of bottles of white wine would be appropriate. What do you think?

This year’s draft is shaping up to be pretty interesting. The NFL has made changes to the rules, cutting the time teams have to make a pick in the first round from fifteen minutes to ten, and also from ten minutes to seven in the second round. Teams will still have five minutes to make a pick in rounds three through seven. Only the first and second round will be held on Saturday (as opposed to rounds one through three in past years), with the remaining rounds to be held on Sunday. The draft will begin at 3PM on Saturday (as opposed to noon in past years) and 10AM on Sunday (as opposed to 11AM in past years).

In addition to changes in the scheduling, there is real debate as to who the Miami Dolphins are going to take with the first overall selection. In most past years there has been one or two consensus top player or players to choose from. This year you could make a valid argument for as many as six players (Michigan OT Jake Long, Virginia DE Chris Long, Ohio St. DE/OLB Vernon Gholston, Boston College QB Matt Ryan, LSU DT Glenn Dorsey, and Arkanasas RB Darren McFadden) being worthy of that pick. Bill Parcells, the new head cheese in Miami, has been negotiating with Jake Long to try to get a contract in place before the draft even begins, but if those negotiations fall through he could easily turn his attention to somebody else.

I also find this year’s draft intriguing because of my favorite teams’ possibilities. The local favorite, the New England Patriots, have the seventh overall pick of the draft, thanks to a trade made last year with the San Francisco 49′ers. My hunch is the Pats will try to deal down from that pick to add more picks and to save money against the salary cap - unless either Chris Long or Vernon Gholston are still available. My sentimental favorite, the Atlanta Falcons, have the third overall pick, thanks to being a really bad team last year. They also have three picks in the second round, two in the third round, and two in the seventh round, thanks to trades with the Houston Texans, the Oakland Raiders, and the Pittsburgh Steelers, and from the NFL awarding them with a compensatory selection due to the loss of DE Patrick Kerney and FB Justin Griffith to free agency. The Falcons will have eleven total selections, including the aforementioned third overall pick, four of the first forty-eight picks, six of the first ninety-eight, and seven of the first one hundred and three. Obviously, if these picks pan out, Atlanta could rapidly reverse it fortunes.

(A quick aside here  for Mrs. Chili. Could you do a Grammar Wednesday about how to properly write numbers? You know, like when I should write ninety-eight vs. 98? Thanx!)

The basic gameplan for the weekend is first to go to a birthday party for a friend of Little Man’s. From there we’ll go to visit Cokiemaker’s parents. I’ll leave there about an hour or so before the draft to go to Fourth Unit’s place. The area AM sports talk station will be on the radio during all driving time to pick up any last-minute developments. I’ll have my laptop with me, as I plan to blog while the draft happens, and a small pile of books and magazines pewviewing this year’s prospects. We’ll spend the night at Cookiemaker’s parent’s place, then head over to see my parents on Sunday, where I plan to watch at least most of the rest of the draft, if not all of it.

I know, I know, I’m a geek, but this weekend I’ll be a happy geek!

Oh, btw, like every other draftnik on the planet, I’ve my own prediction as to what will hapeen during the first round, what most people call a “mock 1st round.” You can check it out here.

UPDATE!!!: The Miami Dolphins have come to terms with Michigan OT Jake Long, officially making him the first pick of the 2008 NFL Draft. The St. Louis Rams are now on the clock.

ANOTHER UPDATE!!!: The Kansas City Chiefs have traded DE Jared Allen to the Minnesota Vikings in exchange for the Vikings’ 1st round pick (the 17th overall), and the two picks the Vikings had in the third round (the 73rd (acquireed from the Denver Broncos) and the 82nd overall). The two teams will also swpa 6th round picks, with the Vikings getting the 170th overall pick and the Chiefs getting the 182nd overall pick).

So, Why Porn?

I was looking through some old emails the other day (a quick aside here - does anybody else have emails from the beginning of 2004 still on their computer?) and stumbled across one I had written about porn. A female friend - who shall remain nameless -  had emailed me to ask me why men find it so fascinating. If I recall correctly, she had caught her significant other looking at some on the computer one night (though he, of course, vehemently denied it) and she became a bit concerned. Porn in and of itself didn’t necessarily bother her, but seeing her partner looking at it planted some seeds of doubt in her mind. “Does he not find me atttractive anymore?” “Do I not satisfy him anymore?” That sort of thing.

So, when she needed some answers as to why men look at porn, for some strange reason she turned to me.

 The following was my response (with a little bit of editing):

For starters, there’s no way I can talk about porn without sounding like a perv, so let’s just admit that I’m a pig and move on, shall we?

I believe your first question was something along the lines of how porn affects a man’s satisfaction with his sex life. I equate porn to alcohol in this regard - it depends on the guy. Some men can have a beer with dinner and not touch another drop for months with no problem whatsoever, while others need a fifth of Bacardi 151 just to get through the day. Some men can just flip through a copy of Playboy at the magazine rack of the corner store if the cover happens to catch their eye, while others need to remember the little schoolgirl / golden shower / anal / bestialty / gangbang vidclip they downloaded the other night just to get it up. It depends on the guy.

Why look at porn at all? Basically, it’s an outlet. If you’re a guy who’s not getting any at all, whether it be because you’re shy, socially inept, just plain ugly, or some combination of the three, porn gives you at least a visual and / or audible outlet for your urges. Sure, you could just close your eyes and use your imagination while you’re jacking off, but porn gives you a little bit more tangibility (is that a word?).

What if you are getting some? What if you’re married or otherwise deeply involved with a woman and have no intention of cheating - why look at porn then? It’s still an outlet. I have a theory that the kind of woman a man fantasizes about on a purely sexual level is often not the same kind of woman he fantasizes about falling in love with and spending the rest of his life with. Look at me - I have the rap that my “type” of woman is a big-titted blonde, and if I were to be totally honest, I’d have to say that’s correct. If I were single and at a bar just looking to get laid, I’d more likely try to hook up with a Pamela Anderson / Anna Nicole Smith lookalike than a Cindy Crawford or Kate Moss or Nicole Kidman lookalike - not that I’d kick them out of bed for eating crackers. Now look at Cookiemaker - she’s obviously not that “type,” but I did marry her, and I think Little Man is proof that I find her sexually attractive. Porn allows a man an outlet for that “fantasy woman,” and be honest, which would you rather a man do - get off fantasizing about that kind of woman by jerking off to some porn, or get off fantasizing about that kind of woman while having sex with you? 

This works with another theory of mine - there are different kinds of sex. Making love, having sex, and fucking are not three different terms describing the act of reproduction, they are three totally different acts. Making love involves a spiritual and emotional level that the other two don’t have. Having sex is purely physical and done for the fun of it. Fucking is purely physical and more or less involes using the other person. Porn shouldn’t be involved in making love, might be used in having sex, and almost definitely will be used in fucking. A guy’s fantasy woman is usually a woman he thinks about fucking, maybe having sex with. Again, be honest - would you rather be made love to, or fucked?

What if a man has happened to marry a woman who’s also his sexual fantasy type? Why might he be looking at porn then? Once again, I’d say as an outlet. She may be his “type” in regards to her looks, but maybe she’s not willing to do things that really turn him on. Maybe she doesn’t like giving blowjobs. Maybe she’s horrified at the thought of anal. Maybe she thinks he’s a perv if he asks her to go completely bald “down there” or dress up like a schoolirl or a nurse or a french maid or a policewoman or whatever. Maybe there’s no way on God’s green earth she’ll invite her best friend over for a threesome. Whatever the case may be, porn is then the only way the guy can have an outlet for that.

If she’s his “type” and is willing to do anything he wants and he still looks at porn? Then he’s a lost cause! Just kidding. Then he’s proof of one of my other theories - that at some level all men are pigs, which is the femiNazi way of saying that at some level all men are like any other animal with a penis. We have an instinctual need to sow our seed as widely as possible. At some level or another, despite our opposable thumbs and towering intellects, we have an overpowering urge to bang anything with two legs and a heartbeat. Some of us are just better at controlling that urge than others.

Well, there you go. If you have any other questions, comments, or restraining orders, just let me know.

Those are just my theories, and they are only theories. I could be way off. Certainly they don’t apply to all men. Some men don’t lok at porn at all. They may find it immature, disgusting, morally reprehensible, against their religion, or even see it as a turn-off. However, if the billions of dollars spent every year just in the United States alone are any indication, most men do look at it. Hopefully my thoughts here will give you all a little insight into those small minds.

The Latest Randomness

* - The greatest job ever?

I can think of a lot worse.

* my favorite radio morning show has a new schtick now, courtesy of the Boston Red Sox starting their season in Japan - “Baseball Player or Samurai Warrior?” The DJ’s come up with names of real Japanese baseball players currently playing in the MLB (like Ichiro Suzuki) or real samurai (like Miyamoto Musashi). Listeners call in and have to guess whether the name they’re given is a baseball player or a samurai. If they’re right, they win something like concert or sporting event tickets.

What makes the bit so funny is one DJ’s over-the-top Japanese accent. For example, “baseball player’ is pronounced “beis-a-bol pray-ahhhh,” and all the names are spoken as if he’s both suffering from constipation and has a gun to head if he doesn’t say a sixteen-syllable word in less than 1/10th of a second. Quite frankly I’m a bit surprised some reflexively irate Japanese person hasn’t called in to complain. Of course, being the politically incorrect schmuck I am, I find it funny as hell.

Me, politically incorrect? Nahhh…

* - Two things about the Bruce Springsteen song “Radio Nowhere.” 1) As the aforementioned radio show has pointed out, the music is a perfect copy of Tommy Tutone’s “867-5309 / Jenny.” 2) People give Stevie Nicks shit for mumbling when she sings?! I can’t make out one fucking word of “Radio Nowhere” except “radio nowhere.”

* - My son got a great book for Easter - “The Complete Book of Dinosaurs” by Dougal Dixon. It’s a bit beyond his reading level, but all he really cares about is the pictures, anyway, and it’ll still be there as he gets older and reads better. The book is like an encyclopedia, broken down first into the Triassic, Jurassic, and Cretaceous Periods, and then into the different types of dinosaurs - theropods, sauropods, ceratopsians, hadrosaurs, etc… It even includes the pterosaurs and marine reptiles of the times.

If you or anyone you know likes dinosaurs, get this book. We got it for Little Man from Waldenbooks for - get this - $5.99! 

* - In case you missed my last response to my previous post, I forgot anther great movie that I bet few people have seen or even heard of - The Pursuit of D. B. Cooper. Check it out if you get the chance.

* - Here’s a great author I bet you’ve never heard of: J. C. Pollock. I think I’ve got every book he’s ever written. His works were published mostly in the Eighties, and then he just disappeared. No matter how I try, I can’t find out what happened to him. His books were all Tom Clancy-type military thrillers, but centered around special operations-type missions rather than subs and tanks and things like that. If you can find his stuff in paperback, give ‘em a read.

* - So Cookiemaker and I thought we’d be moving in a month or two. Then I spoke with our landlords. Our lease runs through October, and they’re not going to let us out of it. The only way we get out is if we can find somebody who will take over the apartment for us. In the meantime, Cookiemaker’s getting up at 4:30 every morning to get to work on time, sinking a crapload of cash into gas and tolls, and having state income taxes taken out of her paycheck that she hasn’t had to deal with in some time. It’s almost like her raise never happened. On top of that, where we want to move to would save us hundreds of dollars a month in rent and daycare expenses.

This sucks!

So, anybody know anyone who wants to move to the southern new England seacoast area?

* - it is about that time that schools start posting openings for next fall, though. Time to start sending out the application packets again. Wish me luck!

* - This may be the only time you’ll see a 6′ 5″ 200+-pound black man cry (you’d cry, too, if what happens about three minutes into the clip happened to you).

* - are these truly the only 50 words women hate? Were any left off the list? Should any be taken off?

* - here’s a joke I bet some women will hate. Here’s another one: A woman feels it’s time her husband does something about his ever-increasing waistline, so one day she puts on her most seductive voice and says, “If you lose twenty pounds I’ll dance for you.” To which he replies in his most sarcastic voice, “If you lose ten pounds, I’ll watch!”

Ouch!

* - as if I needed more incentive to have sex.

* - a friend of mine used to imbibe more than his fair share of alcohol when he was in high school and college. So much, in fact, that he was able to develop a list of what and what not to eat or drink beforehand if you know you’re going to go out and get tanked to the point of regurgitation. Apparently, milk comes up like plastic, bread comes up in one big lump, and Fruit Loops not only taste pretty much the same coming up as going down, but they also provide a colorful visual while your staring down at the toilet bowl recovering from emptying your stomach.

Just a little helpful hint…

* - I’ve worked in malls off and on for twenty years or so now (good god, kill me!), and they’ve always had “the mall walkers.” Mall walkers are retirees who come to the mall probably a couple of hours or so before any stores actually open and walk the perimeters of the hallways, usually in small groups, and then sit down for McDonald’s breakfasts and Dunkin’ Donuts coffees and talk. It’s not uncommon to hear people deride these older folks for having no lives and nothing better to do with their time.

I would vigorously disagree. I admire these people, to be quite honest. They get out and about, they get exercise, and they maintain a social life. To be honest, when I have the day off and Cookiemaker’s at work and Little Man’s at his daycare, I hardly ever leave the apartment unless I have to. I sit on my fat ass in my jammies and watch tv, surf the web, and play video games. Shit, there have been days when I’ve slept in ’till noon. Chances are very good these octagenarians (sp?) are in better physical condition than I am and likely have more friends (again - kill me).

So if you ever see these people when you’re in your local mall, smile at them, say hi, and look up to them, not down at them.

For Your Viewing Pleasure…

Movies I’m willing to bet few - if any - of you remember or have ever heard of before.

We all have a list like this somewhere in our heads, don’t we? Movies we absolutely love that we tell people about and they look at us blankly and go, “Huh? Never heard of it.” Well, here are mine:

Always - Richard Dreyfuss, Holly Hunter, and John Goodman are firefighter pilots in this movie that turns into a chick flick by the end, but is hilariously funny at the beginning

Animalympics - a GREAT movie for kids - and, yes, I still enjoy it as an “adult.” The animal kindom holds it own Olympics. A goold, old-fashioned animated flick featuring the voices of Billy Crystal and the late Gilda Radner.

Attack Force Z - a WWII Aussie commandos vs. the Japanese war yarn starring a very young Mel Gibson amd Sam Neill.

Bachelor Party - the movie Tom Hanks never seems to get asked about whenever he’s on Inside The Actor’s Studio or shows like that. A typical 1980’s T&A comedy that also starred Adrian Zmed and Tawny Kitaen.

Better Off Dead - ah, the good ol’ days when John Cusack made funny movies…

Black Rain - Michael Douglas and Andy Garcia (a tremendously underrated actor, imho. I’ll never understand why he didn’t become a megastar) as American cops in Japan taking on a renegade Yakuza. 

Brainsmasher - Andrew Dice Clay plays a bouncer who’s trying to save a swimsuit model (Teri Hatcher) from evil Shao-lin (”We are NOT ninjas!”) monks who think she has the key to the Ultimate Power.

Cannonball Run - one of Burt Reynolds’ best, funniest car chase movies.

Down Periscope - Kelsey Grammer as the captain of a submarine full of misfits. Very funny.

Dragnet - once upon a time Tom Hanks made funny movies.

The Final Option - a British action film (they call it Who Dares Wins across The Pond) loosely based on the hostage crisis of 1980 at the  Iranian Embassy in London.

The Golden Child - Eddie Murphy is The Chosen One who can save the world.

Heartbreak Ridge - one of Clint Eastwood’s most entertaining movies, though who would’ve thought Hollywood would’ve chosen the American attack on Grenada as good storytelling!

Heart Condition - Denzel Washington is the ghost of a lawyer that Bob Hoskins’ cop couldn’t stand when he was alive. Denzel’s hanging around with Bob because when Bob needs a heart transplant, he gets Denzel’s heart!

Hudson Hawk - critics LOATHED this movie, calling it one of the biggest turkeys ever. I for the life of me cannot understand why. I LOVE this movie! Bruce Willis plays the title character, a cat burglar just out of prison.

If You Could See What I Hear - Marc Singer as blind musician Tom Sullivan.

Kill And Kill Again - a martial arts flick so bad it’s good.

Lassiter - Tome Selleck as an American cat burglar framed into stealing German diamonds for the British before WWII breaks out.

Lone Wolf McQuade - Chuck Norris vs David Carradine! (sorry, but I couldn’t resist the cheesy music in the vidclip )

Loverboy - Patrick Dempsey as a teenage giggolo (sp?) long before he was a tv heartthrob on “Grey’s Anatomy.”

Major League - how many stars are in the baseball comedy, anyway?! Charlie Sheen, Tom Berenger, Corbin Bersen, Wesley Snipes, Dennis Haysbert, and Rene Russo, for starters!

My Fellow Americans - James Garner and Jack Lemmon as ex-presidents who hate each other but are forced to work together to unmask a conspiracy. Funny!

Once Bitten - a very young Jim Carrey as a high schooler who, of course, wants to get laid, not only because he’s a guy, but also because there’s a female vampire in the neighborhood (Lauren Hutton) who only sucks the, um, blood of virgins!

One Crazy Summer - another one when John Cusack was funny.

The Presidio - Mark Harmon, Sean Connery, and Meg Ryan (back when she was HOT!) in a police thriller.

Quigley Down Under - Tom Selleck is a sharpshooter hired by Alan Rickman in this western set in Australia.

Real Genius - Val Kilmer as a college student science wunderkind battling his professor and the U. S. military.

Ski School - what were you expecting here, Oscar-caliber material?

Stakeout - a great buddy cop flick with Richard Dreyfuss and Emilio Estevez

Uncommon Valor - far and away the best movie ever made with the “Let’s rescue the POW / MIA’s from Vietnam” theme. Light-years ahead of Rambo and Missing In Action. Starring Gene Hackman and a very young Patrick Swayze.

Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael - Winona Ryder and Jeff Daniels in a quirky little comedy / teen drama.

Even More Minor Randomness

* - well, it has been a while since I’ve watched Snow White, hasn’t it?

Cookiemaker put it in the VCR for Little Man this evening, and I heard Doc say the following line to Snow White: “What are you, and who are you doing?”

Excuse me?!

(He meant to say “Who are you and what are you doing,” of course.)

* - Cookiemaker and I went apartment hunting today. After we were finished with that, we went to the mall in the area so she could get herself a birthday present or two (she turned %& today!). We saw a restaurant in the area and just could not believe our eyes. Check this out:

Pizza Hut Italian Bistro.

“Italian Bistro”?!?!?! Are you fucking kidding me?! Your fucking Pizza Hut, for Christ’s sake! Get over yourself!

* - remember my “How do you say ‘Bow-Chicka-Wow-Wow’ in Chinese?” blog from a while back? Well, as part of Cookiemaker’s birthday ritual, we went out for Chinese food (two asides here - 1: Chandler from Friends telling Joey, “Of course, over in China they just call it ‘food.’” and 2: I am not a big fan of Chinese food. Never have been. Cookiemaker, of course, loves it. So, pretty much the only time she gets to eat Chinese food with me is on her birthday). Check out the fortune I got in my cookie:

“You have an unusual piece of equipment for success - use it properly.”

… in bed.

* - Premiere magazine just released their list of the “100 Sexiest Movie Stars of All Time.” 

Anybody in there who shouldn’t be? Anybody they missed? Comments? Criticisms?

Minor Bit of Randomness

* - so I had to take Little Man to his doctor the day before yesterday for his physical. We wound up in the waiting room for about an hour (which is very unusual for this doctor’s office) and towards the end I was getting frantic in my efforts to keep the little guy entertained, so I wound up grabbing a copy of Nickelodeon magazine. Now, I realize that this magazine is intended for children a little older than my son, but I still saw something in there that really just left me disappointed in what apparently amuses our children today.

There was a section of cartoons, one of which suggested a potential new Olympic event - snotrockets for distance. Ah, and just what is a snotrocket, you ask? Plug up one nostril, then exhale as forcefully and quickly as you can through the other one, thus turning anything in the open nostril into a projectile. Isn’t that a great thing to teach our kids?!

Now I know every generation has had it’s disgusting habits, some of which we still find amusing at some level today. Spitting, hocking a loogie, burping, farting, whatever. But don’t we as parents spend most of our time trying to teach our kids not to do those things (or at least to do them quietly and / or only in certain private places)? So do we really need a popular children’s magazine making our lives more difficult in that regard?

* - eventually we did leave the waiting room for an exam room, which of course meant we then waited for the nurse, and we she was done with us we had to wait for the doctor. As we were waiting for him I picked up a copy of AARP (hey, it was the only thing I could find) magazine and thumbed through it. According to the table of contents there was an article about sexuality (dealing with declining libido as you get older, etc…). When I turned to read the article, however, I saw that it had been torn out. I have to assume it was the doctor’s office that did the tearing.

Are we really that uptight about sex in this country? Are we so far gone about worrying who we might offend that we have to rip articles out of magazines in a doctor’s office? It was AARP for Christ’s sake, not Club. The article was intended to educate, not titillate.

Sad.

* - oh, by the way, for those who care, I posted another article about the state of the Atlanta Falcons in my Sportingnews blog.

* - working in the mall I get to hear all sorts of wonderful muzak. Occassionally I get to hear songs that bring me back to my high school days, but usually not in a good way. Seriously, who gave Patrick Swayze the idea that he should sing? 

* - my favorite radio morning show has come up with a little bit that I just find funny as hell. They’ll come up with any excuse to say Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s name, which then prompts a voice with an over-the-top Middle Eastern accent to say the last name, which is then immediately followed by the “Mahna Mahna”song. So picture that song with “Ahmadinejad” replacing “mahna mahna.”

Too funny. 

And now, to paraphrase Paul Harvey, for the “breast” of the story…

* - speaking of flashbacks to high school, I miss Samantha Fox. Nice to know she’s still around, and even donating to charities.

* - here’s another great reason for all women to have large breasts - it can get you acquitted!

* - my wife and I went to England for our honeymoon, and have been pining to go back ever since we set foot on the plane for the flight home. We have tentative plans to go back with Bowyer and the Chilis during the London summer Olympics in 2012 (finances permitting), though the Olympics themselves are not the main draw.

I could spend all day giving you reasons why I want to go back to England, but this morning I stumbled across another one.

* - is it even possible for Victoria’s Secret to be too sexy?!

What Does It Take To Be A Man?

A meme boosted from Mrs. Chili, at her suggestion:

1. Boxers? Briefs? Boxer briefs? Thongs? Commando?

Tighty-whities. Always have, always will. As Kramer said in an episode of Seinfeld, “My boys need a house!”

I have done the thong and commando thing on occasion in a (likely vain) attempt to turn whatever woman I was with at the time on. Of course, as Jeff Foxworthy said, “When a woman tells a man “I’m not wearing any underwear,” the man thinks, ‘All right! I might get lucky!’ When a man tells a woman, “I’m not wearing any underwear,” the woman thinks, ‘Oh, NO! I’m gonna have to wash those pants twice!’”

2. What’s your fussiest personal care routine?

I do spend a long time in the shower. I don’t think it’s from fussiness, though. I think it’s just because I really enjoy a hot shower and don’t want to get out.

3. Do you have a favorite tool? Power or manual?

You mean besides the tool between my legs? Which, by the way, is a POWER tool, baby! Home Depot ain’t got nuthin’ on me, Sweet Cheeks!

I’m actually pretty useless when it comes to using tools. I have the basic manual tools for stuff around the house, but I am by no means a contractor, carpenter, plumber, or electrician. My favorite tool is probably my Gerber (one of the better knifemakers in the world) multitool. It’s like a Swiss Army knife.

4. Can you change your own oil? Do you?

No and, therefore, no. I’m as useless an auto mechanic as I am a general contractor. I can fill my gas tank, top off my other fluid tanks, and change a flat - that’s it.

5. What’s the “manliest” thing you do on a regular basis?

Let’s see - watch football, pass gas, check out women, go to strip clubs (when the money is available, which is extremely rare), look at porn, act like a baby when I’m sick, watch action and T&A comedy flicks… Have I left anything out?

6. What’s something “manly” that you never learned how to do?

See #’s 3 and 4 above. I also never learned to shave with a nonelectric razor. When my facial hair first kicked in my parents got me an electric razor and that’s all I’ve ever used since.

7. Do you ever cry? If so, what’s your trigger?

Yes, I do. Any sort of tragic event involving a small child will set me off. Certain songs and movies will also do it (there are at least two scenes in Saving Private Ryan that get me every time, and I’ll NEVER watch AI again because of a scene in it). 

8. Do you have a chivalrous streak? How does it manifest itself?

I do, and I’m doing my best to instill it in Little Man. Just be polite - say “please” and “thank you” and “excuse me” and “sorry” and “ma’am” or “miss.” Hold doors open, let others through the door first, that sort of thing.

9. Do you have a chauvinistic streak? How does it manifest itself?

I can ACT chauvinistic (Q: How can you tell if a woman has had an orgasm? A: Who cares?! ). In reality, however, chauvinism is as stupid as any other kind of bigotry. On a personal level, for example, I am perfectly willing to admit that Cookiemaker is far more intelligent than I am, is a better parent than I am, and is a better person in general than I am.

10. What’s your favorite movie?

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring.

11. What’s the dumbest, testosterone-inspired thing you’ve ever done?

Drink to the point of vomiting and a number of one-night stands when I was single.

12. What quality do you think makes a good man good? Do you have that quality?

There’s more than one thing. Loyalty, honesty, integrity, kindness, tolerance, the ability and willingness to compromise, a brain, a heart… Have I left anything out? I’d like to think I have those qualities, but you’d have to ask Cookiemaker for the real answer.

13. Toilet seat up or down?

Down.

14. If your wife/partner/significant other is away, do you cook for yourself or eat out of cans and boxes (or rely on local drive-throughs and delivery)?

I cannot cook to save my life. When I was single and in my first apartment I would have starved to death if not for my microwave oven. Does that answer this question?

15. What societal expectation of being a man do you most resent?

Oh, I don’t know. Now that it’s the 21st Century I think a lot of those expectations have gone away. Nevertheless, the expectation that just because I’m a guy I should be tough and ready and willing to fight for almost any reason bugs me because, honestly, I’m a wimp. I need a REALLY good reason to risk getting my ass kicked!

16. What’s the best part - societal-wise - about being a man?

Simple - same work, same experience, same qualifications = more money. I didn’t say it was fair or right, but I didn’t make the rules, I just live with them.

17. Will you stop to ask for directions?

Absolutely. I HATE being lost. I’m not going to let something as silly as my pride get in the way of getting to where I need to go.

18. What’s the one thing you wish your wife/partner/significant other understood about how you think or behave?

I wish she’d understand that I’m anal-retentive when it comes to straightening up around the apartment. She’ll clean the bathroom to the point that you could eat dinner off the toilet seat - AFTER you’ve taken a shit! - but she apparently doesn’t seem to care that the rest of the apartment looks like a ghetto because various detritus is strewn all over the place.

19. What’s one thing about your wife/partner/significant other that you just cannot understand, no matter how hard you try?

She has learned not to take me clothes shopping with her, because I cannot fathom just wandering around looking at stuff, often more that once. There was one time, when we had just moved in together, that we went to a women’s clothing store and I watched her check out the same rack of jeans four times in a span of about ten minutes. I confronted her after visit #4 (rather covertly, I thought) with something along the lines “Exactly what the HELL do you think has changed about that rack jeans from the last three times you’ve looked at it?!”

We left the store after that.

In Cokiemaker’s defense, I went through something worse with another woman earlier in my life shopping for bikinis.

*Shudder*….

20. What do you need to have in the shower?

Soap and shampoo/conditioner (yes, the kind that’s combined in one bottle. Often a generic brand, too, though currently it’s Pert).

21. Do you burp/fart/scratch in public? Do you do anything stereotypically male?

I’ll try to hold gas in in public, but sometimes you just gotta let it go. When that happens, I try to do it as quietly and covertly as possible, and then leave the general area as quickly as possible. Scratching really isn’t an issue for me. The real bitch is when your “junk” winds up in an uncomfortable arrangement in your underwear (this probably only happens to those who wear briefs, I would imagine) and needs adjusting. THAT sucks!

Sterotypically male? See #5 above.

22. How big a part does porn play in your life? Your thoughts?

On average, I probably look at porn 20 - 30 minutes a day. I have certain websites bookmarked and images and videos downloaded on the PC (cuz, you know, the internet is for porn). I have some magazines and videotapes in a box somewhere in the apartment. Cokiemaker knows about all of this and is ok (thought certainly not thrilled) with it. As long as I’m not looking at it when she or Little Man is around, she tolerates it.

I haven’t paid for porn in a long time. Those magazines and videotapes are years old. The sites I look at are paysites, but I don’t pay for them, I just check out the “free preview” stuff. The stuff I’ve downloaded was free. The last time I had a subscription to a magazine it was actually a birthday present from my roommate at the time. 

Obviously, I have no issue with porn, and don’t really understand why other people do. As long as those being photographed or filmed or written about or whatever are doing so willingly, what is the issue?

23. What scares you?

Being a bad father. The declining quality of our political system, economy, and environment. Conversations between Bowyer and I have convinced me that something that will make the Black Plague look like the common cold will hit this planet during Little Man’s lifetime, and that HORRIFIES me.

I’m not a big horror movie fan, either. If the villian is human, I’ll usually just laugh at it because I’ll think to myself ,’If I was being chased by this psycho, I’d have a gun and just shoot the fucker. If I didn’t have a gun, I’d just knee him in the balls and run.’ However, when the Big Baddie is supernatural and therefore laughs at me when I shoot or emasculate him, I get worried.

24. What’s your best feature (physical or otherwise)?

My sense of humor. When I had long hair, I would’ve said my hair.

Oh - and my crank, of course.

25. What would you do for love?

I would do anything for love - but I won’t do that.

Just Checking In

Well, hi there! It has been a while, hasn’t it? A bit more than three weeks, in fact. Sorry about that.

Why has it been so long? Well, some of it was mourning the Patriots’ loss in SBXVII (more on that later…) and some of it was just plain laziness, but most of it was me being sick as a dog for a bit.

It started on Tuesday the 5th. I dropped Little Man off at his daycare in the morning and gradually felt more and more “off” as the day progressed. Not sick, just kinda “off.” When I got up the next morning, however, I felt fine, so I shrugged it off. I dropped Little Man off at his daycare again and went about my business as I got ready for work. By the time I got to work, though, I was past “off.” My nose was running like a spigot and I just didn’t feel right. After two-and-a-half hours I had had enough and went home early, diving into bed as soon as I got home. Friday I called in sick. Other than dropping off Little Man and answering Nature’s call, I never left the bed. I felt better the next day, so I went back to work, and also worked on Sunday. I had Monday and Tuesday off anyway, but on those two days I just had no energy. I spent most of those two days in bed. On Wednesday the 13th I worked from 9:30 to 5. When I got home I had every intention of getting stuff done around the house. I got as far as getting a load of dishes done and then went to bed. Despite having four layers of sheets and blankets over me, I was shivering uncontrollably. When I went into work the next day people were constantly commenting on how I looked like death warmed over. It wasn’t until Friday the 15th that I finally felt like I had kicked whatever the hell it was that had infected me.

So what the hell had infected me? I’m not sure, but my guess is a flu bug. My nose was running. I felt nauseous. I had chills. I felt lightheaded. I had NO energy. I eventually developed a cough and hacked up all sorts of disgusting stuff (I’m STILL blowing colored snot out of my nose!). I had the most godawful taste in my mouth no matter what I ate (which was very little) or drank or how often I brushed my teeth and tongue. Kinda sounds like a flu, doesn’t it?

I barely ate during this time, and most of what I ate was oranges in an attempt to get fluids and nutrients into me. I didn’t take much medication because I felt nauseous and didn’t have much food in me as a buffer. I did drink more fluids than I usually do, mostly water and fruit juice. The true indicator of just how poorly I felt, however, was the fact that I had absolutely ZERO sex drive. My libido had completely left me. I could have had Shyla Stylez and Audrey Bitoni writhing naked in front of me, doing unspeakably naughty, wonderful things to each other and frantically begging me to join them and they quite literally would not have been able to get a rise out of me.

Now THAT is sick! 

Back to the Patriots - how in the hell did they lose that game?! The answer, in my opinion, is quite simple, though probably heretical here in New England.

Bill Belichick got outcoached.

It just looked to me liked he did a horrible job of gameplanning before the game began and an equally dismal job of making in-game adjustments as the game progressed. Did he not know the Giants led the league in sacks during the regular season? Did he not know that most of those sacks came from just three guys (Michael Strahan, Osi Umenyiora, and Justin Tuck)? Was he just arrogant enough to think that none of that mattered? That he and his team were just too good?

When you face a team that rushes the passer well, you try to establish a running game to slow that rush down. What was the ration of pass-to-run for the Pats offense that night? Two-to-one? Three-to-one? You also try to give your offensive linemen help in blocking the pass rushers. How many times was there a fullback on the field for New England? A half-dozen? How many times were there two tight ends on the field? Another half-dozen? You try to run short, quick pass patterns so your quarterback can get rid of the ball before the rush gets to him. Seems to me the Pats were either running a lot of longer patterns or Tom Brady was choosing to wait for the longer pattern in each play to develop rather than taking what the defense was giving him. It also makes sense to move the pocket to get the QB away from the rush. I think I saw one designed rollout for New England during the entire game.

Sigh…