Posted by: nhfalcon | February 11, 2009

Happy Valentine’s Day – Part II

“What Men Want From Women” by Dennis Miller

Christ, most men don’t know what they want from Ben & Jerry’s, much less from women.

Now I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but what do I want from a woman? Well, nothing. I personally am happily married to a beautiful, sexy, intelligent woman, and therefore am completely satisfied physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

But I do remember what it was like to be one of you – one of the walking dead, staggering from seedy singles bar to seedy singles bar using your unrequited – and, might I add, diminutive – excuse for a hard-on as a sexual divining rod in a pathetic, fruitless effort to find a woman (or at least somebody who has a few of the body parts…) who might actually fake a nominal interest in that dog-eared, hackneyed, nightmarish story that have the nerve to call your life.

So I can sympathize.

But I can’t really speak for the entire male collective, which is so diverse it makes the bar scene in Star Wars look like an IBM management seminar.

I will say that one constant theme in man’s interaction with women is the Madonna/whore complex, and believe me that’s just the tip of the Oedipal iceberg. Quite frankly, I think when you get a guy alone he’ll readily confess he not only has a Madonna/whore complex, he’s got a Mother, Au Pair, Catholic Nun, Hullabaloo Dancer, Julie Newmar-Cat Woman, Asian Cigarette Girl, Pamela Anderson in a Plexiglass House, Miss Hathaway with a Riding Crop-complex.

And you should also understand this about men: men aren’t designed to be introspective. We don’t always know how we’re feeling. We don’t even know what we’re feeling. Your vagina goes inward, you introspect. Our penises point outward – we want to knock things over with it, all right?

I know the myth is that men want Traci Lords in the bedroom, Julia Child in the kitchen, Hazel around the house, Leslie Visser during a game, Mary Poppins for the children, Cha Cha Muldowney in traffic, Dr. Quinn medicine chick when we’re sick, Mary Richards at work, Mother Teresa when we come home with leprosy, Gertrude Stein in conversation, the body of Sophia Loren in Boy on a Dolphin with the voice of Sade, and to top it all off the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith because, of course, we don’t want to feel to threatened.

So, that’s the myth of what we want, what’s the reality? Well, first put that Cosmo article down and back slowly away from the magazine. Now go to the window and take a deep breath. You must clear your head of bullshit articles like “How to Trick Your Man into Cooking Tex-Mex.” Trick me? How’s about fuckin’ asking me? Then I’ll be able to tell you I don’t give a shit about Tex-Mex, okay?

But what I look for in a woman is what most guys look for in a woman, and what most women look for in a guy – somebody I want to be with. Somebody who’s fun, intelligent, attractive. Somebody it won’t be hard to spend time with. All that other stuff is just details.

What else do men want?

How about being treated like a lady once in a while?

All right, I’m not supposed to do this. I’m not supposed to reveal the master list to all you non-tripods, but what the hell. Here goes. Here’s what men want from women, One through Ten:

1) We want you to understand that we don’t give a shit about clothes, all right? Yours or ours. All we need is one pair of tennies and one pair of church shoes. That’s it.

2) Don’t talk to us while the television is on, all right? Very simple. Television is off, we talk. Television is on, we don’t talk.

3) When you’re behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get aggressive, that’s fine, but don’t give somebody the finger and expect me to defend your honor when Steroid Lad comes over swinging a pair of nunchuks, all right?

4) Would it kill you to watch The Godfather with me for the fifty-seventh time? 

5) Hey, I’m sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and think, ‘You know, I’ll bet’cha my accountant is boning me up the ass.’

6) You go see Nell by yourself, all right? I met enough chicks like that at Helena’s when I was single.

7) Have a sense of humor. Without a sense of humor, a relationship lasts about as long as William Burroughs in the Boston Marathon.

8 ) Work out your job-related anger before we have sex. Just because Helmut, the office boy, brought you the cup of lima bean consomme instead of the bowl of lima bean comsomme from Soup Plantation, I don’t want to end up in the friction burn groin ward at Cedars-Sinai, all right?

9) Don’t ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry, you don’t really want us to cry. I’ve tried crying in front of my wife. She enjoyed it for about thirty seconds and then started thinking, ‘Why in the fuck did I marry this hampster?”

And 10) Be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out of this testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the light.

Or, if that’s asking too much, how’s about a big, sloppy blow job once in a while?

Of course, that’s just my opinion. I could be wrong.



  1. “5) Hey, I’m sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and think, ‘You know, I’ll bet’cha my accountant is boning me up the ass.’”


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