Happy Valentine’s Day – Part I

“What Women Want From Men” by Dennis Miller:

Does size matter to women? I don’t know, what do women want? Nowadays it seems like they want… other women. No, uhh… Some women want zero from a man, others want lots of zeroes from a man. Now I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but I called up a female friend of mine the other day and posed the question, “What do women want from men?” She was genuinely excited and began in earnest to address some of the issues.

That was three days ago.

She’s still talking. I had to pull the plug on my phone and cut the pole down outside my house.

You know, I’m not going to stand before America and try to speak for the female gender. I have only been a woman once in my life, and I was young and drunk and in love.

Let’s see, the myth is that women want Brad Pitt in the bedroom, Brad Pitt in the kitchen, Brad Pitt around the house, Brad Pitt during a game, Brad Pitt when they’re sick, Brad Pitt in conversation, the body of Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall combined with the voice of Brad Pitt, and to top it all off the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil.

Another myth is that women must be married by a certain age or she’ll never find stability. Hey, I’ve got news for you, ladies, looking to men for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis, all right?

And yet a third myth is that men think women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet.

Women don’t like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.

And finally, many of the myths between women and men concern sex. Sex is an area that increases the chasm between the genders. You know, it’s insulting to her that you persist in going right to sleep after sex, and you resent that she dismisses your desire to have midgets film your lovemaking. If you want to know what women want in bed, it’s very simple. Simple. Women are really not that exacting. They desire only one thing in bed.

Take off your socks.

And by the way, they’re not going to invite their best friend over for a threesome, so you can stop asking.

But enough about all of the myths. Let’s get to the facts. Now I’ll be the first to admit that men’s advice on women is about as reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is kinda, sorta, maybe what I think women want from men…

And this one’s going out to all the ladies in the house…

Sorry, I just always wanted to be a Vegas asshole. All right…

1) Foreplay is not a privilege, it is a birthright.

2) If you take her out to a fancy restaurant don’t try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, ok, Diamond Jim?

3) Quit blowing smoke up women’s asses about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent, affordable childcare. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won’t have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages.

4) Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work guys, look around you at… let’s say Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn’t you? Because he’s a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now imagine making 30% less than Carl. Helloooo…

5) This is very important. During lovemaking, don’t ask, “Who’s your daddy?” Even as a joke. All right? It’s not funny.

6) When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.

7) Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.

8 ) Don’t ask her if she came. You’re a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came.

9) Don’t tell her how to merge and she won’t tell you to ask for directions.

10) When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.

So, guys, it’s really not that hard. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, what women want from men is this – equal pay, fair treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion, and a genuine effort at understanding who they really are.

Or, if that’s too much to ask, how’s about a big fucking diamond the size of your head?

Of course, that’s just my opinion, I could be sleeping on the couch.