Posted by: nhfalcon | December 1, 2008

Better Late Than Never

I know it’s been a while since California and Arkansas and other idiot states have passed their various laws discriminating against the homosexual community, but I’d like to take this opportunity to throw in my two cents worth.

Actually, given that he can articulate it at least as well as I can, and likely in a far more humorous fashion, I’ll let Dennis Miller do it for me.


“Falcon, thanx, babe…

Now I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but I need to have a little tete-a-tete with my heterosexual brothers and sisters. Could we get over this gay thing, please? Like, like now? Gay men and women have been around since the dawn of time, which predates even Jesse Helms by twenty years. ‘Why do they do it? Where does it come from? Is it environmental or genetic?’ Hey, I don’t care if they find a chiffon scarf on the X chromosome – the important thing is homosexuality is here to stay. So many people are into so many different things exually, why single out a group of people and hound them, beat them, decry their existence, and deprive them of jobs even in the military – the one place every unemployable American knows he can go for a plate of beans and a dental plan?

Who cares about homosexuality, really? I mean, who cares what coupling gives any consenting adult pleasure? All we should care about is that people are going home and getting off, somehow, with someone, anyone. Because a person who gets off tends not to be a nut who gets off offing people.

About the only people I might quibble with are bisexuals, because I think we all agree at some point that these people are just incredibly greedy motherfuckers. I don’t ask much from a human being, but come down off the fence and pick a hole, all right? I don’t care what you fuck, but fuck it regularly. Show me a little tubal integrity.

Now this is not to say I don’t have my differences with some members of the gay community. When I’m watching the Gay Pride parade and the “Genitals Are Our Friends” float cruises by with two leather-bound eraserheads dressed up as Timmy and Tommy the Testicle Twins, sure, I get the same creepy feeling I get whenever I hear Shatner sing. But the bottom line is that’s their business, and at the end of the day it is relatively harmless business.

That being said – that we need to be tolerant of the sexual proclivities of others – there are those who fall outside the great campfire of heterosexual weenie-roasts and schwing-a-longs and they have got to stop them from wasting their time looking for across-the-board validation. It’s just not gonna happen. Not on this planet. Not in our lifetime.

ACT UP and other radical swat teams from the genital frings have got to hit the mute button, because that caterwauling is throwing all the wrong switches out there in the vast heartland of America. Also, there’s no need for members of ACT UP to throw condoms at Catholic priests. It’s disrespectful, and besides, these days, most priests already have their own condoms.

And on the straight side of the ledger, right wing politicians and flaks have got to stop preaching the politics of exclusion. Pat Buchanan is so homophobic he blames global warming on the AIDS quilt.

You know something, it is time to grow up, to stop looking for bogeymen under the bed. We don’t have the time to waste. I don’t know if you’ve peeked through the Levolors lately, but we are roller-blading toward chaos with no elbow pads. The infrastructure of civilized society is unraveling faster than OJ’s alibi. What the hell – let’s try tolerance, because we need all the bright, capable people we can possibly get our hands on.

We have got to ratchet down the sexual hysteria in this country. Live and let live, folks. Let your neighbor come home, get out of his car, wave happily at you as he goes into his home, and, you know something? Forget about him or her. Let it go.

Why do we try to intellectualize sex anyway? It resides in an exalted position in the visceral pantheon because it is the Great Unfigurable. We don’t know much about it, but we do know that the orgasm never disappoints. You’ve never cum and thought ‘Ewww, what was that?!’ It’s always there for you. You know that incredible feeling when you’re in the midst of one of those Santino Corleone door-banging froths, one of those Arthur C Clarke memorial fucks, where you look down at the bottom of the bed and see that big monolith, and you don’t have any idea what it means, but you know something really, really important is about to happen. And the guy’s got that Eddie Vedder head shake thing going on, and the woman’s muttering under her breath like Donovan singing “Hurdy Gurdy Man.” And you realize at that precise moment you are at the pleasureable epicenter of the Milky Way galaxy.

And then, as so frequently happens in human endeavors, one or the other sexual partner inadvertently hurts the other person by accidentally elbowing them or leaning on their hair. The pain breaks the sexual frame of reference. We begin to decompress and intellectualize again. And when you conside sex from that narrow perspective, you see it’s really such an odd, quirky little exercise. And the woman’s just about to kiss her own tit, she sees you looking at her with that tilt-head look like your dog at his bowl when you change his food on him. She realizes you’re no longer in the throes of it. She tries to smooth her way out, but she knows you’ve caught her. And she looks at you and says, ‘If you ever mention it, I’ll kill you in your sleep, you treacherous cocksucker.’ And that is sex, so leave it at that and don’t even try to figure it out.

Of course, that’s just my opinion. I could be wrong.”

Thanx, Dennis. You the man.

“Any time, babe. Any time.”



  1. All right, now that’s an impressive piece. Man, you’ve got that nailed. Bravo!

  2. I didn’t nail it, Bo. Dennnis did. I just agreed with him.

    That bit is one of his rants from his old HBO show…

  3. Now that’s funny. I Googled some of the phrases from it and didn’t ever hit anything but your blog, so I thought you had written this yourself in his style. 🙂

  4. I used to enjoy the Dennis Miller “rants” but haven’t heard any of them in years.

    I agree that discrimination on a sexual-orientation basis is idiotic.

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