Posted by: nhfalcon | September 23, 2008

Thank God I’m A Tripod

 

Sorry for the country music, Mrs. Chili., but it’s appropriate for today’s topic. 🙂

Before I begin here, let me state two things about this post:

1) I love women. I am most assuredly NOT a sexist, chauvanist, or misogynist! OK?

2) This is meant to be funny. Whether or not it succeeds in being so is up to you, but being funny is it’s intent.

Now, on with the show…

It seems to me that at least once a day some moment or comment or incident pops up that makes me say to myself, “Thank god I was born with a penis!” Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that life is just simpler, easier, less stressful, and just plain flat-out more enjoyable if you came out of your mama’s womb equipped with external plumbing.

You want examples? OK, sister, you want examples, you got ’em…!

1) Clothing Sizes – no matter where I go, a 34″ waist is a 34″ waist, a 31″ inseam is a 31″ inseam, a 16.5″ neck is a 16.5″ neck, and a 34″ sleeve is a 34″ sleeve. I don’t have to deal with a Size 5 at Penney’s being a Size 4 at Sear’s and Size 6 at Macy’s and a Size 2 at New York & Company and a Size 3 at The Gap and…

Have I made my point yet?

2) Shoes – you know many pairs of shoes a guy needs? Two. That’s right, all you Imelda Marcos-wannabes, two. One pair of dress shoes and one pair of casual shoes. Now, if the guy wants to diversify a bit for the sake of work or lifestyle, that’s fine. I myself have two pairs of dress shoes – one black and one brown. In addition to a pair of black mocs (for general casual use), I have a pair of hiking boots (for the rare occassion I do something outdoorsy), a pair of faux-snakeskin cowboy boots (because I can’t let go of the Eighties), and a pair of medieval boots (‘cuz I’m a renfaire geek). However, you ladies will never, EVER, be able to successfully explain to us why you need to have fifteen effing pairs of black shoes. Do you really think we’re paying that much attention to your feet

Hell, you’re lucky if we realize you have a head! 😉

 

3) High Heels – you’d think these would belong with #2, but I’m bringing them up for a completely different reason. Being a guy, I’ve never had to wear heels. God willing, I never will (unless, you know, I really need the money… 🙂 ). But I work with four women and constantly hear them bitch about their heels. They never fit right, they pinch their toes, their a major pain in the ass to walk in – especially up and down hills – their feet and calves always hurt after they’ve worn them, blah, blah, blah, blah-blah.

And yet you wear them anyway. Why? No practical reason. Only because they make your legs look hot. There’s a reason why you never see a woman in the sex industry wearing sensible shoes, folks…

4) Bras – once upon a time the bra was meant to do one simple thing – support your breasts. In an effort to spare you back pain, poor posture, soreness from jostling around, and embrassment from Agressive Nipple Syndrome, the over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder was conceived. Just look at what it has morphed into now.

Different materials (including diamonds?!). Different colors. Different styles. Straps or strapless. Bras that strap a half-dozen different ways. Snaps in front or back. Bras that keep large breasts from bouncing all over the place when their owner is exercising (without these Dolly Parton would have permanent black eyes 🙂 ). Bras that make small breasts look larger than they really are (the absolute worst form of false advertising, imho… 😉 ). Something that was once so utilitarian is now making god knows how many trillions of dollars a year for god knows how many different companies (including some who make nothing but bras).

And I will never have to wear one. I will never let myself get THAT fat. If I do, anyone and everyone I know has permission to shoot me on sight. It’s a good thing I’ll never have to wear one, too, because it’s hard enough to take the damn things off when I can see what I’m doing, never mind having to reach around behind my back…

And think of the money I save, too. Those effing things have gotten expensive! Even if they’re not made of diamonds!

5) Pantyhose – so, let me get this straight. You shave your legs and exfoliate (whatever the hell that is) and all that shit, right? You wear underwear, right? But, if you’re wearing a skirt or a dress, you put pantyhose on? What essentially are pantyhose, anyway? Near as I can tell, they’re very thin, stretchy, long underwear that come in a variety of colors. Very thin, stretchy, multicolored, long underwear that tear easily and constantly and cost around $10 – $15 a whack every time you have to replace them, which seems to be fairly often.

Ummmm… why?

I realize that it’s dress code in many workplaces nowadays, and has been for quite some time, but I’m still not sure why. I’m not really seeing any practical purpose here. I’ve had women tell me they help keep the legs warm in the wintertime, but given how thin and stretchy they are, I’m having a hard time believing that. And if they are, why are you wearing them when it’s warm out?

6) Colors – apparently women have a much more diverse, subtle, and expanded set of colors in their visual spectrum than men. You know what colors I see? The basics – black, white, grey, red, blue, green, yellow, purple, etc, etc, etc… Women have crap like mauve and chartreuse and vermillion and – shit, I can’t even spell half these fucking colors, much less see ’em. 

I remember a female coworker of mine from years ago having this brown shirt that she just absolutely loved. OK, fine. When she asked my opinion of it, I said I liked the style but didn’t care much for the color. Crestfallen, she wanted to know why. Because it’s brown, I said.

“Oh, no,” she said. “This isn’t brown. It’s nutmeg. It’s cinnamon.”

WTF?!

“No,” I said, “those are spices. Your shirt is f#*king brown!”

Another time a male coworker (at the same job, no less) wore a pink shirt one day. Please understand that this guy considered himself a real “man’s man” and was Eye-talian with a capital “I.” So, needless to say, I gave him shit for wearing a pink shirt.

“Oh, no,” he said. “This isn’t pink. It’s coral. It’s salmon.”

“OK,” I said, “1) no self-respecting heterosexual guy should even know that coral or salmon can be considered colors, and 2) those are sea life. You shirt is f#*king pink!”

7) Scents – I hate to break it to you, O members of the fairer sex, but we really don’t care about pretty smells. It boggles our puny little minds that companies like Yankee Candle and Wicks N’ Sticks stay in business, much less reap in the millions they do. And the olfactory industry goes way, way beyond just candles. Soaps, Plug-ins, cleaning products, laundry detergents, dish detergents – Jesus, it’s a miracle we can smell just plain, clean, fresh air!

To make matters even worse, like colors, I don’t even know what half these smells are! Freesia? Velvet Tuberose? Lavender Mimosa? Nantucket Briar? Did it ever occur to you that I don’t need my dishes to smell like Apple Blossom after they’ve been cleaned? Or my hands to smell like Brown Sugar & Fig after I’ve washed them? Or my hair to smell like Key Lime Lust after I’ve washed it?

Cookiemaker just commented to me that smells are apparently a turn-on to women. That a stinky man just ain’t hot. Really? You’re kidding me, aren’t you, Captain Obvious? My point is that there’s a difference between being stinky and being clean and being overpowering in the opposite direction of stinky. I take a shower at least once a day, more than that if I’ve been physically extering myself (fat fuckin’ chance of that! 🙂 ). The shower involves hot water and soap and shampoo. I use deodorant once a day, at least. I brush my teeth once a day. I don’t use cologne or aftershave. My deodorant is unscented. I don’t use mouthwash. And yet, Cookiemaker often comments that I smell good. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever had a woman tell me I stink.

With “you people” however, there’s scents in your soap or bodywash or whatever the hell it is you use to clean yourself with in the bathroom, in your hair care products, in your shaving products, in your skin care products, and we haven’t even gotten to your perfume yet!

Oh, btw, can somebody please explain to me what the hell the difference is between perfume, eau de parfum, eau de toilette, body splash, and body mist?!

 

8 ) The Bathroom – Dennis Miller wasn’t joking when he once said after you get married your house will “… need two bathrooms, both for her.”

You know what I have in the bathroom? A bar of (unscented) soap, a bottle of (unscented) shampoo and conditioner in one, a toothbrush (unscented – ok, I’m beating that point into the ground now, aren’t I?), deodorant, shaving kit, a comb, and a bottle of spray gel.

You know what Cookiemaker has in the bathroom? Actually, for a woman, she’s pretty good. God knows I’ve seen much worse. But the list of crap is mind-boggling. Makeup, deodorant, dental care, skin care, hair care, shaving kit, feminine products, eye care… OY!

For example, what the hell is this?:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A what? A Lofa Tatupu? Oh, sorry, that’s the middle linebacker for the Seattle Seahawks. What again? Oh, a loofa. What the fuck is that?! Haven’t you heard of a washcloth?

How about some other “what the hell is that” bathroom questions…

What the hell is body butter?

What the hell is body wash?

What the hell is scrub?

What the hell is pillow mist?

Have I missed anything?

9) Getting Ready In The Morning – if I don’t have to go to work, I can just roll out of bed and I’m good to go. Some women I know who shall remain nameless (ahem – *cough* Cookiemaker *cough*) need an hour to get ready if they’re just running to the grocery store to get half-and-half.

All I need in the shower is my soap (unscen – oops, sorry) and shampoo/conditioner.

I don’t need a loofa, body wash, skin moisturizer, shampoo, conditioner, revitalizer, etc, etc, etc…

Once I’m out I need my deodorant, my toothbrush and toothpaste, and (depending upon how far gone my beard is) my razor.

I don’t need foundation, blush, rouge, lipstick, lip gloss, eyeliner, eye shadow, mascara, mousse, hairspray, a blowdryer, a curling iron… Need I go on?

All I have to do is roll out of bed and I’m already pretty! 🙂

 

10) Shaving – the only thing I have to shave is my face, and I really don’t even have to shave that if I don’t want to. Depending upon the job I have, I could let my beard go full-blown Gimli and nobody would care. Body hair? I can have all I want. Sure, the fashion nowadays is more Brad Pitt from Troy than it is Burt Reynolds from his “Cosmopolitan” centerfold spread, but it’s not that big a deal if I have hair on my arms, armpits, chest, belly, ass, legs, etc, etc, etc… And believe me, I do. I don’t need a sweater in the wintertime, you know what I’m saying? Those guys who claimed to have a sasquatch in the fridge had to settle for their rubber ape suit because I kicked their asses when they tried to kidnap me, OK?

You ladies, however (here in the U. S., anyways), have to be virtually hairless. Facial hair? Yuk! Armpit hair? Disgusting! Leg hair? Ewww! Even having hair, er,um, ah.. *ahem* down there isn’t all that attractive anymore to some. 

Oh, and for the record, to those of you who think guys who like their women to have “hardwood floors” (as opposed to “landing strips” or “bushes”) like it because they’re pervs who like little girls, I have one word:

Hairballs.

‘Nuff said.

You know, I can easily keep going here, but I’m going to stop for now, Maybe I’ll turn this into a Ten Things Tuesday kind of thing.

Or, given the amount of material I have, maybe I’ll just write a bloody book. 🙂

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Responses

  1. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!

    Okay, I KNOW you, and I know what kind of person you are, but to the uninitiated, you’re really going to come off as a prick here – you know that, right?

    I am, apparently, a rare breed of woman. I don’t go for the Imelda Marcos thing (though Mr. Chili will gripe that I have more than three pairs of shoes, none of them are heels – though I do have a purse problem, which is something you didn’t mention…). I can be out the door in half an hour from when the alarm rings – a quick shower (though I have to admit liking liquid soap over bar soap, and to liking slightly sweet-smelling liquid soap, at that), run some gel through my shower-damp hair, pop in the contacts, and I’m good to go. No make-up (or, if I do, just a swipe of mascara and some lip gloss); I don’t own any diamond bras; I don’t wear pantyhose (though I DO put tights on when it’s cold, and it gets pretty freaking cold around here). Truly – low-maintenance is what I’m saying here.

    There’s a lot of social pressure for women to behave in certain ways. Some of us choose to bow to (some of) that pressure, some of us don’t. I say, it’s all a matter of balance.

  2. And to the uninitiated, Mrs. C., I would simply say “What part of ‘this is intended to be funny’ don’t you get?”

  3. You know, I think it misses the mark of funny not because it’s necessarily offensive but because you have spent so much time up to now talking about how much you like the results of most of these things. So, you know, now to turn around and denigrate them? Eh, doesn’t ring true and we all know that funny usually has an element of truth.

    Interestingly enough I own a lot of shoes but only wear a rotation of like 3 pairs per season. I love shoes but I walk too much and my knees are way too fucking old to put up with most shoes. I miss my yummy, pretty shoes, not just the heels but the funky low heel boots and the weird flats and a gajillion other types.

  4. I do love the results of all those things, Kizz, and many others besides (as will be reviewed in future episodes). My point is that I’m eternally grateful that, as a guy, I don’t have to deal with the processes involved with getting to the results.

    Oh, and I’m sorry I failed to amuse you. 😦

  5. I’m sorry that I came of snotty. I’m in a foul mood today and it’s leaking all over everyone.

  6. off. came OFF snotty.

    Also I apparently have no feeling in my fingers.

  7. You didn’t come off as snotty at all, Kizz. You voiced your opinion, that’s all. Which is totally fine. I’m well aware of the fact that sometimes – a lot of the time, actually – I’m the only person who thinks I’m funny. 🙂

  8. I thought it was funny and found a lot of truth in it. I’ve complained more then once to my husband about a lot of the same things and how easy guys have it! Plus, I would have killed to be able to stand up to pee when I was nine months pregnant and going to the bathroom every fifteen minutes. I hate pantyhose and rarely wear high heels anymore but I’m still way more of a slave to social pressures then I care to admit.

    One more thing… you wrote: “Oh, btw, can somebody please explain to me what the hell the difference is between perfume, eau de parfum, eau de toilette, body splash, and body mist?!” That’s easy! The difference is the PRICE! 😉

    (I’m here via mrschili’s blog, btw.)

  9. […] * – remember my two  “Thank God I’m A Tripod” posts (here and […]


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