Posted by: nhfalcon | February 27, 2008

What Does It Take To Be A Man?

A meme boosted from Mrs. Chili, at her suggestion:

1. Boxers? Briefs? Boxer briefs? Thongs? Commando?

Tighty-whities. Always have, always will. As Kramer said in an episode of Seinfeld, “My boys need a house!”

I have done the thong and commando thing on occasion in a (likely vain) attempt to turn whatever woman I was with at the time on. Of course, as Jeff Foxworthy said, “When a woman tells a man “I’m not wearing any underwear,” the man thinks, ‘All right! I might get lucky!’ When a man tells a woman, “I’m not wearing any underwear,” the woman thinks, ‘Oh, NO! I’m gonna have to wash those pants twice!'”

2. What’s your fussiest personal care routine?

I do spend a long time in the shower. I don’t think it’s from fussiness, though. I think it’s just because I really enjoy a hot shower and don’t want to get out.

3. Do you have a favorite tool? Power or manual?

You mean besides the tool between my legs? Which, by the way, is a POWER tool, baby! Home Depot ain’t got nuthin’ on me, Sweet Cheeks! 🙂

I’m actually pretty useless when it comes to using tools. I have the basic manual tools for stuff around the house, but I am by no means a contractor, carpenter, plumber, or electrician. My favorite tool is probably my Gerber (one of the better knifemakers in the world) multitool. It’s like a Swiss Army knife.

4. Can you change your own oil? Do you?

No and, therefore, no. I’m as useless an auto mechanic as I am a general contractor. I can fill my gas tank, top off my other fluid tanks, and change a flat – that’s it.

5. What’s the “manliest” thing you do on a regular basis?

Let’s see – watch football, pass gas, check out women, go to strip clubs (when the money is available, which is extremely rare), look at porn, act like a baby when I’m sick, watch action and T&A comedy flicks… Have I left anything out?

6. What’s something “manly” that you never learned how to do?

See #’s 3 and 4 above. I also never learned to shave with a nonelectric razor. When my facial hair first kicked in my parents got me an electric razor and that’s all I’ve ever used since.

7. Do you ever cry? If so, what’s your trigger?

Yes, I do. Any sort of tragic event involving a small child will set me off. Certain songs and movies will also do it (there are at least two scenes in Saving Private Ryan that get me every time, and I’ll NEVER watch AI again because of a scene in it). 

8. Do you have a chivalrous streak? How does it manifest itself?

I do, and I’m doing my best to instill it in Little Man. Just be polite – say “please” and “thank you” and “excuse me” and “sorry” and “ma’am” or “miss.” Hold doors open, let others through the door first, that sort of thing.

9. Do you have a chauvinistic streak? How does it manifest itself?

I can ACT chauvinistic (Q: How can you tell if a woman has had an orgasm? A: Who cares?! 🙂 ). In reality, however, chauvinism is as stupid as any other kind of bigotry. On a personal level, for example, I am perfectly willing to admit that Cookiemaker is far more intelligent than I am, is a better parent than I am, and is a better person in general than I am.

10. What’s your favorite movie?

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring.

11. What’s the dumbest, testosterone-inspired thing you’ve ever done?

Drink to the point of vomiting and a number of one-night stands when I was single.

12. What quality do you think makes a good man good? Do you have that quality?

There’s more than one thing. Loyalty, honesty, integrity, kindness, tolerance, the ability and willingness to compromise, a brain, a heart… Have I left anything out? I’d like to think I have those qualities, but you’d have to ask Cookiemaker for the real answer.

13. Toilet seat up or down?


14. If your wife/partner/significant other is away, do you cook for yourself or eat out of cans and boxes (or rely on local drive-throughs and delivery)?

I cannot cook to save my life. When I was single and in my first apartment I would have starved to death if not for my microwave oven. Does that answer this question?

15. What societal expectation of being a man do you most resent?

Oh, I don’t know. Now that it’s the 21st Century I think a lot of those expectations have gone away. Nevertheless, the expectation that just because I’m a guy I should be tough and ready and willing to fight for almost any reason bugs me because, honestly, I’m a wimp. I need a REALLY good reason to risk getting my ass kicked!

16. What’s the best part – societal-wise – about being a man?

Simple – same work, same experience, same qualifications = more money. I didn’t say it was fair or right, but I didn’t make the rules, I just live with them.

17. Will you stop to ask for directions?

Absolutely. I HATE being lost. I’m not going to let something as silly as my pride get in the way of getting to where I need to go.

18. What’s the one thing you wish your wife/partner/significant other understood about how you think or behave?

I wish she’d understand that I’m anal-retentive when it comes to straightening up around the apartment. She’ll clean the bathroom to the point that you could eat dinner off the toilet seat – AFTER you’ve taken a shit! – but she apparently doesn’t seem to care that the rest of the apartment looks like a ghetto because various detritus is strewn all over the place.

19. What’s one thing about your wife/partner/significant other that you just cannot understand, no matter how hard you try?

She has learned not to take me clothes shopping with her, because I cannot fathom just wandering around looking at stuff, often more that once. There was one time, when we had just moved in together, that we went to a women’s clothing store and I watched her check out the same rack of jeans four times in a span of about ten minutes. I confronted her after visit #4 (rather covertly, I thought) with something along the lines “Exactly what the HELL do you think has changed about that rack jeans from the last three times you’ve looked at it?!”

We left the store after that.

In Cokiemaker’s defense, I went through something worse with another woman earlier in my life shopping for bikinis.


20. What do you need to have in the shower?

Soap and shampoo/conditioner (yes, the kind that’s combined in one bottle. Often a generic brand, too, though currently it’s Pert).

21. Do you burp/fart/scratch in public? Do you do anything stereotypically male?

I’ll try to hold gas in in public, but sometimes you just gotta let it go. When that happens, I try to do it as quietly and covertly as possible, and then leave the general area as quickly as possible. 🙂 Scratching really isn’t an issue for me. The real bitch is when your “junk” winds up in an uncomfortable arrangement in your underwear (this probably only happens to those who wear briefs, I would imagine) and needs adjusting. THAT sucks!

Sterotypically male? See #5 above.

22. How big a part does porn play in your life? Your thoughts?

On average, I probably look at porn 20 – 30 minutes a day. I have certain websites bookmarked and images and videos downloaded on the PC (cuz, you know, the internet is for porn). I have some magazines and videotapes in a box somewhere in the apartment. Cokiemaker knows about all of this and is ok (thought certainly not thrilled) with it. As long as I’m not looking at it when she or Little Man is around, she tolerates it.

I haven’t paid for porn in a long time. Those magazines and videotapes are years old. The sites I look at are paysites, but I don’t pay for them, I just check out the “free preview” stuff. The stuff I’ve downloaded was free. The last time I had a subscription to a magazine it was actually a birthday present from my roommate at the time. 

Obviously, I have no issue with porn, and don’t really understand why other people do. As long as those being photographed or filmed or written about or whatever are doing so willingly, what is the issue?

23. What scares you?

Being a bad father. The declining quality of our political system, economy, and environment. Conversations between Bowyer and I have convinced me that something that will make the Black Plague look like the common cold will hit this planet during Little Man’s lifetime, and that HORRIFIES me.

I’m not a big horror movie fan, either. If the villian is human, I’ll usually just laugh at it because I’ll think to myself ,’If I was being chased by this psycho, I’d have a gun and just shoot the fucker. If I didn’t have a gun, I’d just knee him in the balls and run.’ However, when the Big Baddie is supernatural and therefore laughs at me when I shoot or emasculate him, I get worried.

24. What’s your best feature (physical or otherwise)?

My sense of humor. When I had long hair, I would’ve said my hair.

Oh – and my crank, of course. 🙂

25. What would you do for love?

I would do anything for love – but I won’t do that. 🙂



  1. “The real bitch is when your “junk” winds up in an uncomfortable arrangement in your underwear (this probably only happens to those who wear briefs, I would imagine) and needs adjusting. THAT sucks!”

    BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Mr. Chili calls those “tangles” and it’s funny as hell to see him doing adjustments in places like grocery stores or shopping malls… He’s pretty discrete about it – I’m sure no one notices but me – but I DO notice, and it cracks me up every time…

  2. […] Falcon checked in with his answers. […]

  3. Nice Meatloaf allusion.

  4. Thank you, twoblue. I liked it. 🙂

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