Posted by: nhfalcon | February 5, 2008

As Random As A Butterfly On Crack Chugging Starbuck’s…

* – The Hollister and the Abercrombie & Fitch in the mall I work at are really starting to unnerve me. So help me god, I am not a homophobe, but the giant photograph at A&F of a bunch college kids running off to go skinny dipping featuring one of the guys exposing the top of the crack of his ass as he’s pulling his designer jeans down just bugs me a little.

Hollister’s not much better. The male mannequins at the main door are wearing their jeans slung so low that if they had pubic hair OSHA would make them wear hair nets.

And, yes – I’m uncomfortable with that.

And, yes, I’d still be uncomfortable with it if it was a female mannequin.

* – So Britney’s been back in the news again for being a major league screwup, huh? Not only did she go to the hospital, she had to be escorted by a pair of squad cars, two dozen police motorcycles, and two police helicopters! WTF?! As one of the local radio DJ’s said, “I feel sorry for any poor bastard who was being held up at gunpoint in that area that night.”

As if Brit wasn’t bad enough, now Hannah Montana’s making noise for all the wrong reasons. She’s posting pictures of herself on her MySpace page in a bikini or in her underwear.

Oh, I’m sorry, did I forget to mention this particular nitwit is only 15 years old! As much of a perv as I am, even I find that to be a bit unsettling.

What is with these bimbettes, anyway? Are they running under the assumption that any publicity is good publicity? Britney, Montana, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, etc, etc, etc… How sad is it the out of all these cookie cutter pop starlets the only one who seems to have a brain in her head is Christina Aguilera? Haven’t heard anything about her since she got pregnant, have you? 

* – The Replacements is an extremely underrated movie. I put it in the DVD player the other day just to have something on in the backgroud as I was puttering around the house and wound up riveted to the screen. The movie stars Keanu Reeves and Gene Hackman, and is about a group of replacement football players who try to finish out a season after the regular players have gone on strike. Both the soundtrack and the score are really good, and the movie is just plain funny. Here’s a couple of the better scenes:

Fun In the Big House

Cheerleader Tryouts

The Cheerleaders Do Their Part

* – What is it about country music? This is a genre I used to laugh at. What other genre allows you to get away with song titles like “Bubba Shot the Jukebox Last Night“? I actually like country a bit now, but I’ve noticed that when country songs are sad, they are really sad! Check out songs like “Almost Home,” “Arlington,” “Remember When,” and “Who You’d Be Today“. Oh my God! Just rip my heart out, why don’t you? It’s to the point where the first time I heard “I’ve Been Watching You” I just automatically assumed it was going to be about a father losing his little boy before the song was even 10 seconds old! 

* – so Cookiemaker and I got into a “discussion” the other day that led to me thinking of the following quotes:

“Marital sex is like getting a Civil War chess set in the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you never know what shape that piece is going to be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.” – Bill Engvall

“If you’re a man and you sleep in a bed with a dust ruffle and seven pillows, you’re either gay or you’re married. If you’re a man and you’ve ever been antique shopping during a big game, you’re either gay or you’re married. And if you’re a man and you can’t remember what it’s like to have sex with a woman, you’re either gay or you’re married.” – Jeff Foxworthy

I’ll let you try to figure out what our “discussion” was about… 🙂

* – So the other day I went to pick up a prescription for Little Man, and as I was waiting for it to be filled I noticed that there were three four-foot sections of shelves that used to be filled with vitamins that are now filled with “male enhacement pills.” I don’t remember what all them were called, but one that stuck in my head was called “Horny Goat Weed.”

Now I may not have the face of Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall or the body of Gerard Butler in 300 or the sophistication of James Bond or the, ah, dimensions of John Holmes or the, um, power of Peter North, but I am not so insecure in my sexual prowess that I feel I have to put Horny Goat Weed in my body!

* – I’ve noticed lately that many customers seem to use their cell phones as self-defense mechanisms. “OK, I want to look at some jewelry, but I don’t want to deal with the salespeople. What do I do? Oh, I know! I’ll just pretend I’m talking to somebody on my cell phone. They wouldn’t be so rude as to interrupt a person during a phone call, would they?”

No, we wouldn’t. But, if you care, we think that a) you’re a pussy for not being able to put up with a “Hi, How are you? Can we help you?” and b) you’re being rude to expect us to wait around until you’re done with your call if you actually do want our help. If you really do want our help, then finish the call first. If you don’t want our help, why in the hell did you come into the store at all?

* – Pixar has done a brilliant job with the little shorts they put on with their feature films. Cookiemaker and I rented Ratatouille a while back, and the short that came with it (Lifted) may have been funnier than the feature!

* – while grocery shopping last Saturday I came upon what may have very well been the least appetizing-sounding and -looking beer in my life. Check this out – the beer is called Double Bag! Mmmm, yummy! Know what’s even better? The logo – two cows with their asses in your face so you can see their udders! Get it? Double Bag? Ha! Oh yeah, I gots ta get me somma dat!

* – has Corey Hart been making a comeback or something? I’ve been noticing more and more people walking around indoors with their sunglasses on – yes, sometimes even at night. WTF? Do these people seriously think they look cool or hip or anti-establishment? Do they not realize that they simply look STUPID!

(and is it just me, or does Corey Hart look like Jose Canseco – minus the ‘roids, of course – in that video?)

On a slightly different tack, there’s another fashion trend that’s been irking me lately. I know I’m gonna come across as a homophobe and a bigot when I say this, but I have to get it off my chest. To the guys out there who are wearing pink shirts with their collars up – you do not look cool. You look, to paraphrase Peanut, gay. “Gay, gay, gay-gay-gay, you look gay!”



  1. What’s wrong with looking gay?

    Check out Nicole Richie, she’s been pretty much on the straight and narrow since she got knocked up.

    Ever notice how fighting about sex never leads to having any sex?

    We’re JUST BROWSING thank you. And you may be a perfectly nice low pressure kind of a sales person but the road has been paved by idiots long before you learned the 11 Cs or whatever it is you learn about diamonds. I almost had to knee cap a woman in the formal wear section last weekend because she WOULD NOT leave me alone to actually LOOK at the merchandise. Personally I use my iPod to deter them, when I’m ready for help I can just take the earbuds out and ask for assistance.

    Since you’re a dad let me suggest Butterfly Kisses as country music at its tearjerking best. Can’t listen to that fucker without bawling.

  2. * – There’s nothing wrong with looking gay, Kizz – IF that’s the look you’re going for. I just don’t think that’s what these clowns are going for, though. I think they’re going for “cool,” and they’re failing miserably, imo.

    Of course, it could just be me. I could be turning into one of those cranky old people: “Crazy kids and their outlandish getups. Why, when I was their age…”

    Actually, when I was their age, it was 1987 and I was wearing “Miami Vice” jackets over tank tops with torn-up jeans and fake snakeskin boots, so where the hell do I get off, huh? 🙂

    Just wait, thirty years from now I’ll still be yelling at those “young punks” even though I’ll have the waistband of my pants up around my nipples and my zipper will be pulling my chest hair out…

    * – You’re right, we haven’t heard from Richie in a while, and to that I say a hearty “THANK GOD!” Is there any way we can make that condition permanent (the silence, not the pregnancy)?

    * – “Remember that first year of marriage? You’d pick a fight just so you could make up and have sex? Twenty years later you’re picking a fight just so they’ll sleep in the other room.” – Bill Engvall

    * – I know you’re just browsing. Believe me, I know. And you’re right, there are a lot of a-hole salespeople out there. A Regional VP that Bowyer and I used to work for was that kind of guy. Once, when I was a customer at that store and not an employee, I had to say to the guy, “What part of ‘just looking’ don’t you get? When I want you, I’ll come get you. Until then, get out of my face.”

    That being said, you should realize that walking into a jewelry store is not like walking into Sears or the grocery store. If you walk in, you’re going to get greeted. Accept it, deal with it, and move on.

    I do have to say that in the six years I’ve been selling jewelry and shooting the shit with people from competing stores, the laid-back salesperson is far more common than the a-hole. We’re taught to greet you – not start selling you something, just greet you – within 60 seconds of you walking in. If you say “just looking,” we’re taught to smile and say something like “OK. If you need any help, just give a shout.” and then back off. If you’re still in the store four or five minutes later, then we’re taught to approach you again, the assumption being that you’re looking for something specific and just haven’t found it yet.

    I personally hate pushy salespeople. I’ll never shop at The Men’s Wearhouse because of an experience there. Hell, when I interviewed with my old DM I told him flat-out “If you’re looking for a used-car salesperson, don’t hire me.

    I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems rude to walk into a situation where you know somebody is going to try to at least say “hi” to you and you’re talking (or, more likely, pretending to be talking) on you’re cell phone. The real kicker is when you say to yourself “OK, fine, fuck you then” and walk away and then person gets off the phone and acts offended that you’re not there to kiss their ass.

    * – I’ll go download “Butterfly Kisses” and give it a listen. Thanks for the recommendation!

  3. I thought you liberals were ok with anything and everything.? No cultural rules. Anything goes. Whatever feels good. Just like in Hollywood.

  4. Pearl, who said I was a liberal? If anything, I identify more with the Republicans than the Democrats…

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