Posted by: nhfalcon | December 29, 2007

Random Christmas Ruminations (Updated)

* – people need to learn how to walk in a mall. You could train NFL running backs on how to avoid tacklers by just making them go through a mall at Christmas time. People, people, please:

Pay attention to what the hell is going on around you. Get out of your little world and become cognizant of the fact that there are a multitude of souls shuffling along around you.

Look up and forward. Not down at your bag or your receipt or your shoes or whatever. Not behind you at the customer or cashier or who- or whatever just pissed you off. Not to the side at the stores across the hall. Look in the same direction you are walking.

Do NOT suddenly stop in the middle of the hall. If you’re confused or lost, if you heard your cell phone ring, if you think you lost something or whatever, pull off to the side of the hallway and figure things out. Don’t just stop short and stand there. If you do, don’t be pissed when I run your ass over.

Do NOT stand around with a group of your friends or family and have a conversation in the middle of the fucking hallway! Have your little reunion in the food court or something. If you insist in interrupting the traffic flow, don’t be shocked when I just bull my way through your impromptu suaret.

* – Covington shirts and ties from Sears just rock. I got two of these last year for Christmas and was very impressed with the look they had, so I asked for more this year. I got four. I don’t claim to be a fashion guru. In fact, to quote Billy Joel, I can be a real Beau Brummel baby if I just give it half a chance, but I feel pretty sharp wearing these shirts and ties.

* – that being said, can we please stop with all the pins that come with dress shirts? Seriously, can we? I don’t think people had this much metal in their shirts since they carried lances when they rode their horses. I’m pretty sure I took all the pins out of all of my shirts, but I won’t be shocked when I feel something stab me in the back of the neck while I’m trying to sell a diamond a month from now.

* – along the same vein, can we also stop with the plastic twist ties that hold toys hostage inside their boxes? I understand that stores are trying to make things difficult for thieves and that vendors are trying to be as safe as possible when they package their product, but I’m a dad now, which means that I have to unwrap this crap! Thanx to Cookiemaker, who went bonkers buying Little Man Yuletide gifts this season, I had a pile looking like Mount Everest building up behind me on the 25th as I was frantically trying to undo these damn ties! I think I dulled the blades on my multitool trying to cut through these things.

* – would it kill the states to not charge you to travel on the interstates on Christmas Day?

* – I don’t think I ever move so fast as I do when I change the radio station as soon as I hear “Christmas Shoes.”

* – Scrooged is a hilarious movie. 

* – I almost forgot this little tidbit. There was a piece of religious tract on the windshield of my car when I got out of work on Christmas Eve. It looked like a fake $1,000,000 bill with a picture of Santa where a president would normally be. I didn’t get around to reading the “Convert to Christianity or You’ll Forever be Damned” prose on the back until the next morning. Allow me to quote part of the beautiful message from our loving, benevolent Christian community:

“Have you ever lied? Have you ever stolen anything? (No matter the value.) Ever used God’s name in vain? Ever hated anybody? The Bible says “Whoever hates his brother is a murderer”

If you are guilty of these things, it shows that in your heart, you are a lying, thieving, blasphemous, murderer-at-heart.”

(The punctuation in the above quote is the tract’s, not mine.)

Well – Merry Fucking Christmas to you, too, ASSHOLE!!! I’m definitely signing up for your religion now!

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Responses

  1. About the first thing, just change hall to sidewalk and I agree with everything when I’m walking tourist heavy parts of my beloved city. Don’t be a bad tourist or I will give you a bad tourism experience.

    About the last thing, it involves Bill Murray so I find that really really hard to believe.

  2. Even the sun shines on a dog’s ass some days, Kizz. Even Bill Murray can make a good movie now and again. Ghostbusters (the first one, not the second one)? Caddyshack? Groundhog Day?

  3. The bit with Carol Kane whacking him upside the head with a toaster gets me EVERY TIME.

  4. […] Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Remember this post? How about this one? This one? The one thing that really gets me, though, is the number of people who return Christmas gifts. […]


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